


Esperanza

by Tangerine



Series: Alegria/Libertad/Esperanza [3]
Category: X-Force (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Depression, Gender Issues, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Major Character Injury, Past Rape/Non-con, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, desperate love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-12-15
Updated: 2000-12-15
Packaged: 2019-02-03 01:17:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12738093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tangerine/pseuds/Tangerine
Summary: Rictor and Shatterstar try to live together.





	Esperanza

**Author's Note:**

> Please mind the warnings and the tags. Originally written in 1998.

The grass bowed beneath the press of feet, toes dipping into the damp earth. His body moved slowly, like an old man, with pains deeper than the scars that marred the once flawless skin, a cross-cross of pale lines over deeply tanned skin. With every step the confusion mounted, the questions rose to his parted lips, gasping in badly needed air.

Where was he?

Julio stopped and lifted his face to the sun, a breath caught in his chest as he bathed in the warmth. A month! A month without light and wind and the subtle scent of trees standing in light. And for that moment, the fear of being lost wasn't fear at all but a brush of deep pleasure, a reason for living.

But the questions came back, they could never stay away, and there were hundreds of them now, thousands of words that needed explanations in return for being uttered, reasons for why things happened as they happened and why everything was lost.

For a fleeting moment, Julio looked around in terror, eyes wide with horror, wondering, only for a blink, is he was lost, too. If he, wounded almost beyond repair, was lost someplace far from home, abandoned because he was broken. But only for a moment, he thought this, just a split second before he saw it, the flash of copper against the unending green.

Julio stopped, felt the air rush from his lips. The smudge of orange turned, zipping up his jeans, puzzled eyes lingering behind messy, windblown hair. Julio twisted his body, dropping to his knees as he vomited into the grass, sun beating down upon his dark hair as an empty stomach spewed forth yellow bile.

Wiping his month, Julio sat up, kneeling with hands still twisted in the grass. His near-black eyes settled on the concerned gaze that stared back, silver eyes reflecting the clear blue of the immense sky hanging still overhead.

"I did not know where to go," Shatterstar finally said, deep voice so soft Julio nearly missed the defeated words. "So I drove until I hit the east coast." Shatterstar inhaled deeply, wetting his lips with a damp tongue. "I have never seen an ocean this close."

"Is that where we are?" Julio asked, bending low to the ground before pushing to a stand, his knees cracking under the strain. Stumbling, he reached out blindly and took the arms offered to him, pressing his cheek against the sleeve. "It smells like home, I thought that immediately. I thought," Julio lifted his eyes, "I thought for a moment we were in Mexico."

Shatterstar smiled, lines around his eyes crinkling sadly.

"This is really happening, isn't it?" Julio asked, legs buckling and bending into the body that supported him, grateful when the arms settled without comment around his waist, keeping him upright. "What have we done, Shatterstar?"

Julio watched the silver eyes lift and look around slowly, as if trying to read the answer in the clouds. Shatterstar's lips grew thin, a tight line across his face, and he returned his gaze to Julio's face, errant curls veiling the silver stare.

"Dios," Julio murmured, "what have we done?"

~~

The skin shifted beneath his hands as his fingers worked the tight flesh, erasing Julio's pain. Shatterstar shifted his weight, kneeling with his thighs around Julio's lower back as his lover rested in the grass, face buried in his arms. Julio betrayed no signs of consciousness save for the occasional moan, either of hurt or of relief, when Shatterstar's touch hit certain spots.

"We can stay here for awhile." Julio's voice was muffled by the earth, words vanishing into flowered weeds. Shatterstar pressed on his back and heard a joint crack loudly, the knot vanishing. "I really am fine."

"I do not believe you," Shatterstar replied, the heat of Julio's body dulled by the thin fabric of the black tank top, and Shatterstar paused, wondering if he should ask once again for Julio to remove the shirt, knowing the answer would be no. "And do not think about that right now. You tense up whenever you mention it."

"We're going to have to face it."

Shatterstar hit another spot, felt the muscle give way, and Julio grimaced, biting back a curse. Hands worked harder on that problem area, seeking only to give relief to pain. "We will face it, Julio, but in time. There is a time and a place for everything."

"I know you," Julio mumbled, "I know how you are."

"I promise we will speak about it," Shatterstar said softly, hands massaging the length of Julio's neck before moving onto the shoulders. "But when not when you are in pain. Julio, just relax and let me ease some of your burden. Please."

Julio nodded into the grass, and Shatterstar moved his hands more surely upon the slender body, counting every rib as his fingers dipped under the thin arms. Julio was so skinny, so lacking in substance, and Shatterstar feared for him, felt terror where it was not welcome.

In time, Julio fell asleep and Shatterstar stood up, shrugging off his shirt and lying it over Julio's slumbering body. So tiny, Shatterstar stroked the pale face, so sick still. Kneeling forward, Shatterstar kissed the brow, furrowed even in sleep, and brushed the raven hair away from warm skin.

Shatterstar returned to the car, breathing calmly, focusing on the gasps of air through clenched teeth. Reaching into his backpack, Shatterstar pulled out the cell phone. Shaking fingers pressed in the numbers, the other unsteady hand clutching a piece of paper tightly.

"What is it?" A pause without words and the voice softened. "Shatty?"

"We are all right," Shatterstar said quietly, ears tuned for the betraying click that would give the tracer away, receiving only silence in return. "I just thought perhaps you should know, just in case you were worried."

"Of course I'm worried, you big idiot," Domino said without menace, her words clear and understanding. Shatterstar nodded, forgetting the distance, but Domino seemed to sense the hesitation. "Julio doesn't know you're calling, does he?"

"He is sleeping," Shatterstar said, eyes pressed tightly closed.

"Good. You make sure he keeps sleeping. His body needs healing, Star, we both know that but fuck if he does, you understand? He and Nate are too damn alike. He won't tell you when he's hurting, and he'll go to hell's length to hide the pain. Don't let him, Shatterstar."

Shatterstar nodded, knuckles white. "Okay."

"You need help, you don't hesitate to call, all right? This line is clean, Star. Nate has no access to this phone." Shatterstar nodded again, one hand lifting to press against his face. "Don't be afraid of him, Shatterstar, don't let fear control you. You can't go back to the past. It's gone, so you have to move forward."

"I know," Shatterstar whispered, "I have to go back to Julio."

"You stay with him, Shatterstar, and you'll both do just fine. Keep in touch."

The dial tone hummed.

~~

White clouds were tinted a deep purple as the sun sunk in the sky, lighting up the world for a final, brief move before darkness settled. Julio blinked slowly and sat up, hating the moment of disorientation that followed wakening. Shatterstar was beside him, knees pulled to his chest as he chewed his lower lip thoughtfully.

"Hey," Julio said softly, and that beautiful face turned, caught mid-bite. Julio smiled weakly and thumbed a shock of russet hair from the creased brow. Shatterstar leaned into the touch, and Julio pressed a kiss to the swell of cheek, checking for tears and finding the stubbled skin dry. "Thank you for the back rub. It helped – a lot – with the pain."

"I am glad," Shatterstar whispered, "I am so happy I could help."

Julio smiled and paused, unsure of himself for just a moment. The grass was cool beneath his bare feet, the moisture of the night already chilled, and Julio moved forward, rotating his hips slightly across the ground. Shatterstar, sensing the need, shifted so Julio could settle between his muscular legs, strong arms curling around Julio's slim chest. The awkwardness melted away, replaced by the familiar hum of comfort, of protection and love.

"Julio," Shatterstar said quietly, and Julio lifted his head, waiting for the question that always followed such a pensive pause, but it didn't come. Gently, he squeezed Shatterstar's thigh, urging him to speak, begging for something more than silence. "Are you ... I ... you are not afraid of me?"

"No," Julio replied simply. "Are you afraid of me?"

"That is not what I mean," Shatterstar murmured, hands dipping into Julio's dark hair, pulling at the long tresses while Julio lifted his eyes and watched. "I ... Julio, I told you what I did to Roberto. That was not ... normal."

"There were reasons." Julio stroked Star's jean-clad thigh lightly, eyes now focused on the multitude of stars overhead. "You didn't touch him for close to a year though he deserved it. I know there would have been a reason for acting the way you did, when you did."

"How can you be sure?"

Julio's palm rested on his kneecap, and his fingers tightened around the familiar leg. Shatterstar's familiar heart beat boldly against his back, a steady pulse of life. "Because I know you. Despite all the half-truths and willing deceptions on both our parts, I still know you completely."

"I would have killed him if Domino had not intervened."

Julio leaned back, resting his head on the swell of Shatterstar's chest, arms folding over his lover's arms. "You would have stopped. You would have seen what you were doing and you would have stopped. You think you wouldn't, you're afraid because you don't know for sure, but I do. I'll never be frightened of you."

"I have killed others less deserving than him."

"I know that. I have always known that. We've all done things, Shatterstar, that make us less than proud, but you are not a killer by nature." Julio snuggled into his lover's embrace, listening to the steady thump of his heart. "You were made that way."

"I wish I was not. Julio, I wish so much ..."

"I know, Star," Julio whispered, turning in the circle of Star's arms, hooking his legs around Star's shaking body as his fingers dipped into the copper curls, pulling his face to his lips. "But what is cannot be undone, Nana taught me that. What is can only be adapted, changed, understood."

"I never felt sorry for any of it," Shatterstar whispered, "I never knew regret until now."

"You never knew you had to mourn. No one ever told you it was needed. I don't blame you, Shatterstar, for not knowing that when you came here. If you're looking for judgment, I can't and won't give it to you. I'm guilty of taking lives, too."

"Intentionally?"

Julio nodded, fingers twisted in red hair as he spoke softly of things long forgotten. "Once or twice, I did as I was told and people died because of it. There's got to be a line somewhere, a difference between killing for pleasure and killing for duty, or else we're both damned."

"And if we are?"

"Then at least we're together," Julio said, pressing his lips to the bob of throat as his lover spoke, swallowing the words before they were ever uttered. How safe he felt, how utterly the fear that seemed never to leave was gone from Julio's weary body. The future was looming, huge and unknown, but right now, in this moment, the month of terror, of waiting for death to take him, was gone, banished. "And if this is hell then I take it willingly."

"As I do," Shatterstar replied, arms crossing over Julio's back as hands tangled in his dark hair and long legs wrapped around his trim hips, cradling Julio in the warmth of a passionate and healthy body. "Will you be all right if we sleep in the car tonight?"

"I can sleep anywhere," Julio replied, "I'll be fine."

Shatterstar nodded and shifted, taking Julio into his hold and standing tall in the settling dark. Julio grinned, bemused, but he knew walking would only make him feel worse. This would only work, Julio knew, if he admitted to weakness.

Even if it hurt him more to say it than it did to suffer silently.

~~

"Fekt!" Shatterstar hissed, forehead smacking against the windshield, leaving a smear of natural oils on the glass. Blinking in pain, his startled body relaxed then fell back to the seat, fingers pressing at the bruise, waiting for it to shrink and disappear.

"You were speaking in your sleep."

Shatterstar rubbed his brow, staring at the stars through the windshield, making lines between them. Julio's voice seemed different in the dark, the accent more obvious, the concern equally so. "English or Cadre?"

"Cadre, mostly, some Spanish." Shatterstar could hear the surprise, humble that he was present even in the Mojoworlder's dreams. When would he realize that he was Shatterstar's entire life and not even in sleep could Shatterstar ever forget that? "When I was hurt, I spoke to you in Cadre, didn't I?"

"Yes," Shatterstar replied, the wounded flesh twitching beneath the pads of his fingers, going from hot to warm to cool, healed completely within minutes. It was a wonder the windshield wasn't cracked. Shatterstar was sure he was fighting off a concussion. "Did you understand what I said?"

"Parts of it," Julio confessed guiltily, bearing the weight of the world on his slender shoulders, and Shatterstar wanted to shake him, to tell the suffering Mexican that none of this was his fault. "I'm still not very good at it. It's not an easy language."

"No," Shatterstar agreed, "it is not."

Silence settled as Shatterstar pressed his eyes closed, hand jerking when a palm laid gently over top it. "If you need to talk about," Julio paused, and Shatterstar opened his eyes, his head rolling to look at his reluctant lover, "the rape, know I'm here for you."

"I know you are." Shatterstar licked his lips, the dryness almost painful. "But now is not the time for it. I have said all I need to say, and my dreams betray my worries anyway. But thank you, Julio," Shatterstar rotated his wrist and squeezed his lover's bony hand, "for asking."

Julio nodded, and Shatterstar lifted the hand to his lips, pressing a firm kiss on the flesh. Julio smiled sadly and let Shatterstar keep his hand as his body won the unending war and Julio's eyes flickered shut once more.

Shatterstar lay there until noon, watching the clouds. There were no clouds on Mojoworld, he realised suddenly, and the sight of only one sun was still odd. Night rarely came on his homeworld, and when it did, it lasted only hours. Escape, most people agreed, was impossible because the cameras were always rolling and the sun never hid long enough to provide camouflage.

Shatterstar had still escaped, the mass-murder finally too much, the stir for freedom far too loud to ignore. The rumours had been that, if you got passed the city limits, in the swamps were caves where food and water could be found, with instructions hidden there by the Cadre Alliance to help the escaped slaves. Shatterstar had known that rumours were rarely true, but another day in the Pens, another round in the Arena, he would not have been able to win. The fame had no longer been worth his soul.

Shatterstar sat up and rested his chin on the steering wheel, legs crossed. 

So he had pushed himself through the sewer system, shoulders dislocated to fit his large frame through the pipes. The smell had been vile, a mix of organic waste and discarded remains, shit and blood, but Shatterstar had turned into himself and pushed forward, his mind far from his body.

It had taken only thirteen hours to reach the outside and another six hours to wade close to the surface until the pool, used for fuel to light the city, had ended and the killing had fields begun. Bodies upon bodies stacked atop each other, waiting for the day when they would have been harvested by the Spineless Ones as food for their precious Gladiators.

Would Julio understand? Shatterstar smoothed the dark hair of his sleeping lover, pulling the silken strands through his fingers, so soft. Would Julio be able to hear the horror-show that was his life back when he was young, still a fighter, still just a child fighting for his life?

It hadn't been real until Shatterstar laid eyes on his fallen brethren, and Shatterstar had collapsed to his knees, vomiting onto the bodies, hair drenched with piss and blood. He had known, on some level, what they were fed, but to be among the dead, to recognize faces of opponents and realize he had lived doubly off their deaths, Shatterstar had hoped to be dead by sunrise because this life was not worth it.

So he had stood on shaky legs and ran, naked and filthy, until the Fields drifted into swamp, strange creatures tucked into the trees. Shatterstar had stood there, amazed by the glowing yellow eyes that laced the branches. The outside world, if it even existed at all to him before then, had been a mystery until that moment. Amazed by the odd beauty of the world, he had walked through the dense underbrush, heading away from the Arena.

Eventually, the dense vegetation had become sparse and the trees had grown tall into the heavens, hundreds of feet in the air, blocking the rising suns. A hollow in the earth had caused him to pause and he had looked in it, scribbling etched in the wall, symbols of safety and a map to freedom. As the suns had taken their rightful place in the sky, he had climbed into the hole and waited for night to fall again, eating roots and drinking the pure water that dripped down the rock.

They had come looking for him, as Shatterstar had known they would. He was, after all, their biggest star, but he had pulled so deeply into the cave that it had become hard to breathe, the continuously running water erasing any signs or scents of his body. When night finally came, he had run again, following the instructions to head toward the third moon, Cadre.

The forest had changed slowly into rock, huge monoliths rising from the ground. The landscape had begun to open up, huge holes appearing in the dirt, a honeycomb of a world that descended far under the surface. In the dark, it had been difficult to manoeuvre, so he had taken each step one at a time, toes feeling their way across the deadly rock.

He had felt the sword at his throat the moment before he stepped forward, and Shatterstar had stopped, breathing deeply. There had been quiet speaking behind him, a language Shatterstar hadn't known but could only suspect to be the elusive Cadre, spoken by the rebels.

Identify yourself, brand name, the voices had said. And Shatterstar had replied with his assigned name, Shatterstar. Shatterstar? Yes, he had said, that is my Arena name. A light had been lit, and then he had seen a dozen faces, all bearing the marks of slaves on their faces as they chattered quietly between themselves, Shatterstar still and waiting.

They had thought he was a spy originally, and they had blindfolded him, bringing him deep into the underground, holding him tightly so he wouldn't lose his footing on the slippery rock. The crowds had grown by the time he was forced to kneel on the ground, head bowed.

Why did you escape? they had asked, you are the greatest warrior to ever fight, you have never lost, even in trials, you could live forever, a star. I am already dead, Shatterstar had replied, my body just does not know it yet, but I refuse to die captive; you may kill me now, I am content enough to know I am free.

In the end, he became one of the most valuable components of the rebellion, due both to his mutant abilities and the mark on his face, a natural mark unlike the tattooed symbols the others wore, which foretold some great destiny leading his people to freedom, or so he had been told.

And how would he have done all this? Martyrdom, dying for a people that were only half his, expected to give his life because some insane prophet said the half-breed descendant of Longshot would save the world. So he had become careless with his life, hoping that he wouldn't have to be a great man at the price of his own soul. In the end, he had been sent to earth and found himself trapped there, released from obligation, basking in freedom for the first time in his life.

Was it worth it? Yes. Shatterstar needed to believe it was because the only thing he had going for him at the moment was Julio, which was a lot more than he had ever had in his life before. It was wrong, Shatterstar knew, to base a life on someone else, but Julio was his teacher, his lover and his best friend, someone so important Shatterstar knew that he would do anything Julio asked without thought. Shatterstar was wise enough to recognize the danger and avoid it.

Shatterstar sat up and flipped down the visor, his eyes the only part of his face reflected in the sliver of mirror. Too often on Mojoworld, they were red with anger. If he was immensely sad or overly happy, they turned blue, but the silver they were now, defied any explanation he had for himself. Shatterstar didn't know what to make of the colour save for the fact it seemed right.

It must be right, normal. They'd been like this for so long now. So silver it was, Shatterstar realized with a slight smile, still not like most, but he saw enough people to know that some of them possessed eyes like his, and they were human.

"I love it when you smile," Julio said quietly, rubbing his eyes free of sleep.

"As do I. I will try to do it more often," Shatterstar replied. "I think I am having an epiphany, Julio."

Julio tilted his head, ebony hair shifting on his shoulders. "Oh yeah?"

"I think I am happy to be here, right now, in this exact moment." Shatterstar turned his head sharply, his chin lined with his right shoulder. "I am happy despite it all, Julio. How does that work? We are homeless. We have nothing more than this car and everything inside it, and I cannot imagine wanting anything more."

Julio nodded, tucking his hair behind his ears as he bit his lip, the soft planes of his face made obvious for one breathtakingly beautiful moment. Shatterstar leaned over and brushed those lovely lips with his, feeling the startle travel through Julio's body. The mouth opened beneath him, and Shatterstar deepened the kiss, sucking Julio's lower lips between his own, fingers dipped into the dark hair, twining in the mass.

"Are you feeling okay?" Shatterstar whispered, licking along Julio's jaw, hungry for the taste of his lover's flesh. Julio nodded, eyes wide with surprise, and Shatterstar kissed those sweetly parted lips again, hand dropping between Julio's legs. "Is _that_ okay?"

"Are you okay?" Julio replied, breathless.

"Yes," Shatterstar answered, "can I give you more?"

"Yeah," Julio said, wide eyes huge beneath dark brows as he struggled to understand Shatterstar, and Shatterstar could only smile and cup him more firmly in his palm, rubbing the growing swell. "I can wash the jeans in the lake. It'll give me something to do later."

"Always thinking," Shatterstar teased playfully, nipping Julio's nose with his teeth as his fingers moved between Julio's legs. Julio lay there, so wonderfully caught off guard, and Shatterstar moved to kiss him yet again, hands moving in time with his tongue. Shatterstar was careful of Julio's belly, concentrating only on his mouth and his groin, consciously choosing to stray no where else until Julio came, quietly with a startled breath. It didn't take very long. "I love you."

"I love you," Julio murmured, blinking wildly before smiling demurely as what just happened finally sunk in. Shatterstar grinned, teeth clenched together and lips slightly parted, and Julio nodded, fingers touching Shatterstar's chest. "First time in over a month."

"Too long," Shatterstar agreed, leaning over to once more seal Julio's lips with his own, letting the lingering of breath stay long after the months parted. "I was not feeling very sexy. I am glad you were here when I was."

"You don't ..."

Shatterstar looked at the lingering hand and shook his head, taking it instead and holding it tightly, able to physically sense the afterglow from his lover's body. Shatterstar thought Julio always looked most happy after sex, open and honest from the overload of pleasure and love. "No, not right now. But thank you."

"You say the word," Julio said quietly, "and I'm there, all right?"

"You will always be there, Julio, I know that."

~~

"Are you ready to go?" Shatterstar asked, standing with his weight resting on one hip, and Julio nodded, shaking his jeans free of excess water. Shatterstar attempted to look apologetic, but Julio could see right through him, always could, and knew his partner was not quite as sorry as he appeared. "You are glowing."

Julio immediately blushed, though he didn't know why, and waved away his lover's comments, walking by him, toes squishing into the warm sand. Shatterstar laughed and followed, hooking his arm around Julio's waist, and Julio looked up, smiling. "You give me hope, mi amor, I just want you to know that."

Shatterstar kissed the top of Julio's head.

Julio climbed into the passenger's seat, exhaling slowly and waiting for the wave of pain to come as he relaxed his belly. Grimacing only slightly, he shifted until he found a semblance of comfort, brushing the hair from his eyes with his hands.

Shatterstar started the car and put it into drive, motoring slowly up the gravel road before hitting the main highway, turning into the first available spot. They were only going to locate a store, to find some real food for Shatterstar and to find something plain and boring for Julio, something like crackers, unsalted and tasteless.

"Stay in the car?" Shatterstar asked, barely blinking an eye when Julio shook his head, and he stepped onto the pavement, locking his door. Julio, likewise, pushed to a stand and teetered on his weak legs, gripping the car for support. "Julio."

"I'm fine," Julio said quickly. "I got up too fast."

Shatterstar entered the store first, inherently a gentleman and holding the door until Julio managed to hobble his way to the entrance. Once inside, Julio inhaled the lovely cooling power of central air, walking to the magazines as Shatterstar tended to the shopping.

Two girls were looking through teenage magazines, giggling like girls could. Like he could, Julio realized, frowning. He and his sister, Marita, spent hours looking through books like those ones, categorizing the faces into handsome and icky. Odd, Julio thought now, always in retrospect it seemed, that no one, not his sister, not his grandmother who tended to the pair during the day, ever thought to tell him it wasn't something a boy was supposed to do.

Julio picked up a Men's Health magazine before understanding the absurdity and putting it back on the shelf. He was immensely aware that the girls were now looking at him, hiding behind the pages but still _looking_. Slightly creeped out, Julio picked up a body-building book, skimming through the pictures inside.

Julio pushed at his hair, annoyed that it kept falling in his face. Looking up, he saw Shatterstar holding up two boxes of crackers, evidently expecting a decision, and Julio pointed to the left one, thinking that box looked less sun-bleached than the other, though both were probably equally stale.

"Hey, you."

Julio looked over to the girls, putting the magazine back on the rack. "Yeah?"

The girls looked at each other and giggled, trying to goad the other into speaking before the blonde one asked, "are you a boy or a girl?"

"Why are you asking me this shit?" Julio replied, shifting uncomfortably as the girls dissolved into laughter again, already moving away from them and wondering how he managed to get himself into such a position of helplessness, especially when it was him versus two children.

"My daddy says boys like you are faggots," the other girl, the one with the curly dark hair, said, "that you like other boys, and that you're disgusting, and that you're why God created AIDS, as a cure for being faggots."

"Fuck off," Julio muttered under his breath, and the girls grinned again, whispering. Julio hurried outside, not bothering to let Shatterstar know he was leaving, and climbed into the car, slamming the door and pressing his fists to his eyes. "Do not cry."

Shatterstar returned eventually, a bag of groceries and two bottles of water under his arm. Obviously aware of what happened, Shatterstar threw the items into the back of the car and sat down, letting the keys hang in the ignition. "You should not listen to them. They are only children."

"Remind me to never reproduce," Julio muttered, wiping away the tears and hating the fact that twice as many sprang to replace the ones erased. "How can you be so nonchalant? You heard what they said, from the mouths of babies no less."

"Roberto said as much to me on numerous occasions. I have seen the faces of hate, Julio, whether they are worn by friends or by children. It is all the same." Shatterstar looked straight ahead as the girls walked by, and Julio lifted his gaze, watching them pass. "You know that because you have seen it, too. So why are you really upset?"

Julio looked up, not sure whether to be angry or relieved Shatterstar knew him so well. "Do I look like a girl?"

"What?"

"Do I ... am I ... my face isn't very masculine," Julio said blandly, touching cold fingers to his cheek, acutely aware of how smooth his face still was and how Shatterstar was sporting the beginnings of a very impressive beard. "It's not so fucking obvious when I put on weight."

"Your face is just different from what is stereotypically expected,” Shatterstar said carefully, “softer than some men, with beautifully full lips and dark, intense eyes. Do not let the fact that you are unique make you think it unmans you."

Julio frowned. "That didn't help."

"I did not think it would, but it is what I see," Shatterstar replied, turning to look at Julio, and Julio stayed perfectly still when a large, warm hand cupped his face. "What do you want me to say to you, Julio? You will not listen to me. You have lost weight, we both know this, and it has altered your face slightly, but I am no less attracted to you. Why is this bothering you so much?"

Julio leaned his head against the glass of the window, staring at his own face. "My brothers found endless amusement with it, the fact that me and Marita were nearly identical. I used to," Julio paused, "dress up like a girl, and Nana took all those fucking pictures, thinking it was the cutest thing in the world. When mi madre found out, she smacked me for it, and she made Nana cut off all my hair. I was the family joke by dinner."

Shatterstar started the car suddenly, slamming the stick into reverse before lurching the whole thing back into drive. "We are going to talk about this far away from mirrors, Julio. And I am sad to say this, considering I have only ever met your grandmother, but I am beginning to hate most of your family."

"Get in line," Julio muttered, hugging himself as Shatterstar sped back to their little piece of land, their safe space. Shatterstar grabbed an armful of blankets, and Julio followed almost reluctantly, only agreeing because Shatterstar was so adamantly concerned. "This is really not that important, you know."

"If it was, you would not be crying," Shatterstar said gently, sitting cross-legged on the blanket. Julio fell to his knees before settling more comfortably, legs outstretched and back supported by his arms. "So talk to me, Julio."

"What am I supposed to say?" Julio kicked his feet together, ankles cracking together painfully. "I don't do it anymore. I learned my lesson; my brothers made sure I understood the role I was supposed to play."

"You just stopped doing it?"

Julio looked up, annoyed, the lack of concrete belief obvious in Shatterstar's voice. "Marita and I still spent hours in the cellar, using the makeup she'd stolen from the local store. She said I had nice cheekbones, that I made a pretty girl, and I said that at least one of us did. Marita beat me up for that wisecrack."

Julio laughed to himself, remembering the time fondly, and Shatterstar smiled, putting his palm over Julio's hand. Julio looked up, the smile fading from his lips as Shatterstar leaned forward. "Is that something you enjoy?"

"What?"

Shatterstar squeezed Julio's hand. "Painting your face?"

Julio yanked his hand away angrily, face bright red; Shatterstar could all but feel the heat seeping from his lover's skin. "No, of course not. It was just something I did as a kid." Julio dared to look at Shatterstar, exhaling sharply. "I didn't _not_ like it. Okay?"

"Would you do it for me?" Shatterstar asked, hands dug into the soft wool of the blanket, and Julio looked at his partner as if he was mad, so ready to shout a loud negative but finding himself nodding instead. "You have a wonderful face, Julio. I love the idea you would exploit that."

"You don't think I'm a freak?"

"Not at all. I will admit, from time to time in the Arena when the Spineless Ones demanded it, I was expected to look a certain way." Julio gave Shatterstar a complete look of doubt. "You do not believe me? The Spineless Ones loved glamour, and I seemed to be in high demand for it."

"Did you like it?"

Shatterstar nodded without hesitation. "There were times when I wanted to be someone else and changing my face with paint was an easy way of doing it. You have not seen glamour until you have seen the Arena during," Shatterstar paused, "I do not think I can find an English word for it, but it is very much in the spirit of Mardi Gras."

"I don't think I can picture you all glammed up," Julio said with a smile, eyes narrowed as he scrutinized his lover's angular face, and Shatterstar grinned brilliantly. "You're not just saying this for my sake, are you?"

"No, Julio, I am not."

Julio hummed, still not quite believing, and Shatterstar sprang to his feet, posing with one hand on his hip.

"I am naturally agile, which means I am incredibly elegant when I move," Shatterstar explain, pulling his shirt off and tossing it to the ground. Swaying his hips as he hummed, Shatterstar moved toward Julio, his entire body like liquid mercury. "A favourite game, odd because it did not involve bloodshed until much later, was first the Gladiators were introduced, one by one, to music stolen from Earth, though I did not know that at the time."

Julio grinned. "Mojo broke copyright laws? Doesn't seem like his style."

"Oh, it is not. The copyrights on the songs were long expired, so he borrowed them for his purposes. Mojo was quite partial to human music, and I was continually expected to perform to Mojo's personal soundtrack. I was good at it," Shatterstar added, unzipping his jeans and pushing them off his hips.

Julio looked around, shocked, expecting a group of tourists to walk by at any second. They were so exposed, and even though the sun was setting, there was still enough light that a naked Adonis was not an easy sight to miss.

"Julio, pay attention," Shatterstar laughed, snapping his fingers before slithering out of his black boxer briefs. Swinging them around his finger, Shatterstar let them fly, much to Julio's mixture of joy and dismay. "We were expected to entertain with only our bodies. Often without much clothing."

Shatterstar twisted his arms over his head, singing quietly. Julio was impressed and gave up standing guard, watching in bizarre fascination as his lover moved like liquid.

"My body would be covered in oils and glitter. It was very impressive, I thought. I was also incredibly immodest," Shatterstar said with a sensual grin, legs sliding together as his arms wound like snakes above his head, "and did not mind thousands staring at my body. But I prefer when it is only you."

"I could have told you that you were an exhibitionist," Julio teased lightly, laughing when Shatterstar collapsed on him, so warm and naked, nipping at his neck. "Oh, come on, you make love to the mirror more than you make love to me."

"Perhaps recently," Shatterstar said into Julio's armpit, laughing loudly as he squiggled delightfully over Julio's body, "but not before. I made sure you always had an extra session or two, you know, out of fairness. I am, after all, slightly more committed to you."

Julio laughed, leaning back and all too aware of how close that amazingly naked body was to his throbbing groin. Julio was beyond tired and a tiny bit nauseous, but it hardly seemed to matter. All Julio could feel was the pulse of life through his dick, eager for consciousness.

"Can I confess my secret pleasure to you?"

"Please do," Julio urged breathlessly, knowing Shatterstar felt his need; he could tell by the way he moved. Whether or not this encounter evolved into something more, it hardly mattered. The important fact was, after a month of evading intimate contact, Shatterstar was laying on top of him, without clothes and without boundaries. "Shatterstar?"

"I think I would like to be filmed," he breathed, his accent so heavy Julio shivered to hear the richness of the deep voice. Shatterstar shifted, sprawling on four limbs over Julio, keeping the Mexican pinned. "With the video camera. Photography is also an exciting idea."

"Yeah? We should try that sometime," Julio gasped, panting ragged breaths through clenched teeth, and Shatterstar nodded, licking from the dip in Julio's collarbone to the peak of his chin. Julio bit his tongue, knowing the question needed to be asked. "Are you all right with where this is going?"

"You mean, am I all right with making love with you right now?"

"Something like that," Julio whispered, trying to focus his thoughts into words, even as Shatterstar intentionally shifted forward, thigh bowing down to press between Julio's legs. "I want you to take it easy; don't push yourself."

Shatterstar nodded, hot lips pressing to Julio's brow. "I know. It is the right time for this, Julio, I can feel it. I am not prepared for more than touching, with fingers and tongues, as I did not think to buy lubricant of any sort," Shatterstar kissed Julio deep on the mouth, "but that is more due to a lack of planning and not any emotional strife. Are you all right, Julio?"

Julio began to nod, not imaging why he wouldn't be floating at the concept, but Shatterstar seemed to see the forgetfulness and tugged on Julio's shirt, a lone hand sneaking under the black fabric. Julio tensed, a hand that was not his own touching the ugly scars, but he nodded anyway, shyly, lifting his arms to allow for easy removal of the shirt.

"I trust you," Shatterstar said, hands clutching the hem, "do you trust me?"

"Completely," Julio promised, closing his eyes as his shirt came off, and he opened them again to see Shatterstar's tongue fall onto his belly, kissing and licking the scars as the large hands moved to remove his pants. "Will you hear if someone is coming?"

"Yes," Shatterstar murmured, "so stop worrying, Julio. Everything will be all right."

The worry lifted, replaced by a hungry lust too long denied.

~~

"It's those two girls from yesterday," Julio hissed, already removed from the spot he had all but engraved in Shatterstar's back. Shatterstar looked up, eyeing the family distastefully at they got out of the truck. "I don't want a confrontation."

"We have every right to be here," Shatterstar replied calmly, "ignore them."

"That's easy for you to say." Julio sighed deeply, pushing his hair from his face, and Shatterstar frowned, twisting to sit and face his fretting lover. Julio looked annoyed to be stared at so long and snapped, "what?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"I guess," Julio murmured, eyes resting over Shatterstar's shoulder and following the family as they set into the woods. Shatterstar shifted, blocking the troubling view, and Julio lifted his eyebrows, obviously exasperated. "Well, ask me."

"Would you have come out if I had never entered into your life?"

Julio blinked. "What sort of question is that?"

Shatterstar recognized Julio on the defensive, had seen it so many times it was becoming familiar, but Shatterstar very calmly ignored the flash of anger and took Julio's hand instead. "A valid one, Julio. I have seen the shame grow in you for months, and I cannot help but wonder if my presence made you do something you were not ready to do. I am only asking; would you have come out as gay if I was not in your life?"

"Don't make me answer that," Julio whispered, lips a thin line and caught between his teeth. Shatterstar held the Mexican's hand tighter, a single finger measuring the pulse. Julio looked up, his eyes speaking so many painful words. "I don't know. Probably not."

"You would have lived your life as straight?"

Julio dropped his gaze, rolling his head so his hair filled the emptiness, like he tended to do when he wanted to avoid a subject, but Shatterstar knew better now than to let him win. "I think I might have tried, yeah. I mean, I dated both Rahne and Tabs, sorta, and it wasn't bad, you know."

"No, I do not know," Shatterstar replied gently. "Explain it to me."

"I'm not like you. This isn't ... being gay isn't something ... fuck, Shatterstar, I have scars on my body from getting beaten up in school. The boys would just pound the fucking shit out of me for no other reason than they _thought_ I was gay. I hated them all so much for thinking that, but I hated them more because I knew I was."

Shatterstar tipped his head, messy hair falling to the left, and he touched his free hand to Julio's cheek, drawing the angry eyes back to him. "Children are cruel, Julio, but they are also stupid, almost as stupid as the adults who think they understand the world. When will you stop listening to what they say?"

"Most of me knows it's not wrong, but," Julio thumbed the tops of Shatterstar's fingers, one by one, "it's really _hard_ to reconcile what I heard for my entire life with what you say to me now." Julio dropped his head, hand pressed to his mouth, fingers wet with sorrow. "I didn't want to be gay for so long; I prayed to god to save my fucking soul every night for years. I begged him to make me straight. Or," Julio's voice dropped to a whisper, "to let me die."

"Oh, Julio," Shatterstar breathed. Shatterstar didn't know the perfect words to say, knew suffering intimately but had never seemed to suffer with his sexuality. It was just always there, an answer without a question. "Julio, you know it is not a choice. Those people, they are the one with the problem, not you."

"And that's the worst of it," Julio confessed, voice cracking with the strain of keeping his emotions in check, "that so many people think I chose this. Why would I ever willingly want to live in fear of being used as a punching bag for homophobes who can't bear to know that a man finds another man beautiful?"

"And why would I want to make love with a man after being assaulted by four of them? We both know it is not a matter of choice but a fact of biology," Shatterstar said quietly, realizing this was the first time he mentioned it so utterly without fear or shame. "Julio, we have to stop doing what the world wants us to do. We are here, right now, to be something more than what they desire us to be."

Julio looked up, eyes red with tears, sniffing. "Do you really believe that?"

Shatterstar smiled, nodding as he leaned forward, the weight of his body supported by one strong arm as the other lifted to wipe the water from Julio's face. "I really do, Julio. So what if this life we have built is not perfect? I hardly care. It is better than I could have imagined it to be."

"Mr. Optimist himself, I see," Julio said, grinning behind his hair, losing a bit of the sadness, and Shatterstar laughed, shrugging innocently. Julio crawled forward into Shatterstar's lap, arms resting on either shoulder, fingers bowing upward to touch the red curls. "You know you're the reason I'm even still here?"

"Fool's quests are rarely taken alone." Shatterstar stood up, bringing a smirking Julio up with him, and hugged him close, nuzzling the dark hair. "So let us go, face the terrible world and show them what we are made of. Tomorrow we will have been together for a whole year. I want to buy you something."

"Tomorrow? Dios, I didn't realize it was so soon."

"I will try not to cry myself to sleep tonight knowing you forgot."

Indignantly, Julio laughed, moving to tickle the rib cage of the body whose legs were already running to the car, Shatterstar grinning and laughing all the way. The Mojoworlder stopped at the car and sat on the hood, waiting patiently for his walking-wounded lover to make his way through the long grass.

Shatterstar took the moment to stare at that beautiful man.

~~

Julio smiled as Shatterstar abandoned him once more, watching the him flutter into another merchant's tent. The fair was full of interesting people, dozens of independent artisans and entrepreneurs. Collapsed on a rickety old bench, Julio sprawled in the glow of the warm sun, contentment stirring in his belly.

The future seemed so bright. Sure, most of their problems were unsolved, and it probably involved a lot of hard work, but that was nothing Julio hadn't experienced already. Shatterstar was right; nothing mattered anymore but _them_.

Julio took a deep breath of clean country air. No more playing roles, no more acting as Rictor, no more being a puppet to keep everyone amused. Even Julio Richter was gone, leaving behind someone new, or old as the case might be, to take that cocky bastard's place.

Find yourself, Shatterstar said in the car when they finally parked, the key is to find the man you think you lost, the _real_ you. Julio nodded and said he'd try. The confusion was huge, looming over Julio like a hammer ready to come down, but it just did not matter. The importance lay in the fact that Julio did not have to pretend anymore.

The hurt was still there, Julio felt the sting of abandonment and rejection everyday, but it was about time he stopped letting everyone else control his life. What an epiphany! What a beginning! Julio felt so _happy_ with life at the moment. It was such a foreign feeling.

Julio looked around and stood up, moving slowly to an antique clothing hut. His beloved leather vest was long gone, having fallen apart at the seams months ago, and with it went his entire wardrobe. 

Then he saw it. The Coat. Julio knew from first glance that it would fit wonderfully, and it was something he'd always wanted, just been afraid of what people would think if he wore something so stylish. Touching his fingers to the sleeve, the deep maroon leather bowed under his graze. It was soft and cool, with a tapered waist and narrow shoulders, and it would hit at his knees if he put it on. The coat was all but speaking to him, inviting him to take it home.

"You are salivating," Shatterstar whispered, grinning, and Julio jumped, surprised to see him standing there, leaning against the mirror, arms crossed his chest. "Is it love, Julio?"

"I want it," Julio replied, gingerly removing it from the coat rack and slipping into it. It felt like perfection on his body, and Julio moved his arms back and forth, twisting to look at himself in the mirror and catching the price tag in the reflection. It was a bit pricey, but coats like this one did not exist in normal reality. "Do you like it?"

"Very sexy," Shatterstar growled, walking behind his lover and checking the rear view. Julio blushed hotly, for once not even caring who was watching, and waggled his hips a bit to get the full effect. "I should enjoy myself when getting you out of it."

The clerk, who was standing next to them, laughed, and the young couple turned their heads. The man, in his late thirties with blond hair to his waist, leaned back and looked Julio over. "It certainly looks like it was made for you."

"Happy Anniversary," Shatterstar said, whipping out Domino's credit card. Julio thought to protest, merely out of duty, but realized it was time to be utterly selfish. Shatterstar paid the bill and met Julio outside, the coat draped over his arm. "You are not going to wear it?"

"And roast? No, thank you. I like my flesh uncooked," Julio said, elbowing his tall lover in the ribs, finding himself in a headlock as Shatterstar grabbed him, the entire embrace cleverly masked as something less than a hug. "So, Star, anything tickle your fancy?"

"Perhaps, but I cannot believe you just said ‘tickle your fancy.'"

"Wise ass."

"You gotta love me, Julio."

"I do."

~~

Shatterstar ate his hot dog slowly, grinning with every longing glance Julio spared upon him, half out of envy for real food and half out of the slowly building arousal between them. The red coat lay beside Julio, taking a place of its own at the table, and Shatterstar ate slowly, drawing out the show and loving how Julio squirmed.

"We need to buy scissors," Julio said suddenly.

Shatterstar stopped chewing and swallowed loudly, choking from the lack of brilliant thought involved and gulping his coke in an attempt to calm his coughing. Julio got up and leaned over the table, thumping Shatterstar on the back until he managed to gasp, "why?"

Julio gestured vaguely at Shatterstar's head and, when it became obvious Shatterstar still wasn't drawing a single conclusion, said meekly, "your hair, I just assumed, you noticed. You did notice it's really," Julio searched for the right word, "uneven, right?"

Shatterstar immediately lifted his hand, brushing the puffy mass of curls. "I have not really looked at it since I cut it. I assumed you would have said something, Julio, if it was a mess. You have let me walk around for the past few days with badly hacked hair?"

"I thought it was some sort of social comment, you know, to go with the life changes and new outlooks." Julio was trying so hard not to laugh, Shatterstar could tell by the crinkling of the intense eyes. "It‘s not bad or anything, just ... _unique_."

"Julio, you are the worst liar in the world," Shatterstar declared with mock disgust, shaking his head in pity for Julio's failing as Shatterstar stood up, throwing out the waste from dinner. Julio was immediately at his side, poking him in the belly. "Do you think you can fix it?"

"I can even it out."

"That will work."

Shatterstar bought the ninth pair of scissors he found as Julio browsed in the next booth. Taking his change and stuffing it in his pocket, he and Julio made their way to the car, finding it easily because it stood out, an item of nostalgia amidst the miracles of modern technology.

"If you get it wet, it'll be easier," Julio said when they returned to the landing, parking in the same tracks they left, both happy to note the van with the family was long gone. Shatterstar nodded and moved to exit, being pulled back for a quick kiss. "Don't be long."

"Okay," Shatterstar replied, jogging down to the ocean side. Kneeling in the sand, he dipped his messy hair in the water, getting a drop of salt in his eye. Fekt. Rubbing it clean, he sat up and one-handedly squeezed the excess water out of his curls. Half blind, he stumbled back to Julio, who was already kneeling in anticipation. "Please, do not make it worse."

"How much should I leave?" Julio asked, snipping the scissors through the air in practice. Shatterstar shrugged and sat down, brushing his fingers through the locks to loosen up the knots. "And could I ask something first? How the hell did your hair get so curly?"

Shatterstar looked over his shoulder. "You will laugh if I tell you." Julio smirked and obviously didn't see the problem. Shatterstar sighed and tugged at the curl that constantly obscured his sight. "The straight hair was actually a perm. It was growing out, I was waiting for you to notice actually, but without the weight, well, this. It is natural."

"You _permed_ your hair?"

"Well, a woman with too much makeup does it, but yes, I could not stand the constant knots and frizziness." Shatterstar paused and looked up, shaking his head in mock dismay. "You are laughing, Julio, I am ashamed of you."

"I apologize. Sincerely, even."

Shatterstar smirked, bemused. "Somehow I do not believe you."

"So how much off? If you're going to insist on wearing a mark of disgrace," Shatterstar started to deny it, but Julio tapped him lightly on the back of the head. "Oh, come off it. I know more about Mojoworld than you think. You cut it all off because you thought you failed me, when you didn't at all."

"I almost threw everything away, all for the sake of revenge. Cable was about to banish me; I was about to agree with him. I did not need to hurt Roberto, but I did it just to feel better, to be selfish. I consider that failing you."

Julio put his hands on Shatterstar's shoulders, pulling him back, and Shatterstar looked up, frowning. "You only gave him what he deserved, maybe a lot more physically than I would have done, but I'm a fucking lousy fighter. And we're here now, still together, free of all that shit. I don't think Roberto's going to come after us because he knows he's guilty. Besides, Domino would kick his ass. I vote we never speak about that asshole again. He doesn't deserve our thoughts, not after what he did to you."

Shatterstar conceded with a deep sigh, seeing Julio's point. "Just, if you can, leave me an inch to savour. I am sick of it, so I might as well make an impressive break. Julio, I merely ask that you do not make it worse."

"Oh ye of little faith," Julio said lightly, dragging a comb gently across Shatterstar's scalp, hissing at the tangles, and Shatterstar laughed, flashing white teeth. Julio grabbed a chunk of hair and cut, the scissors sliding easily through the russet hair. "Oops."

"Julio," Shatterstar warned, and Julio laughed at the joke, resuming his cutting as Shatterstar stared at the sky, counting the silver specks of stars. "Julio, when you took my swords, what did you intend to do with them?"

"I don't know." More copper hair fell from Shatterstar's head, settling on the grass. "I know you want to move past that, that you don't think you need them anymore, but they're the only thing you have left from Mojoworld, and everyone needs a little past in their life."

"I suppose that makes sense," Shatterstar said slowly, pulling at the rough edge of his jeans before moving to tug at the grass, loving the cool feel of the earth. It was after eight, and the sun was already setting, the world shifting into darkness. Only the headlights provided illumination, and they eerily lit the world, creating strange shadows. "I took your diary."

"I know. You're welcome to read it. You know everything now." Julio's fingers brushed through Shatterstar's hair before the scissors resumed snipping. "You should try a journal. It really helps get your head together."

"I think I need more mental togetherness," Shatterstar mumbled, cracking the bones in his back as he relaxed, rolling his shoulders. Julio poked him, silently telling him to stay still. "Cable said I was depressed, that I suffer from depression."

"I thought you might. So do I, actually, it's normal. It was almost expected, you know, with being gay and superheroes and all alone, without family. Jean Grey told me that once when I was under the care of X-Factor, coming to terms with the fact I was a mutant and that mi madre had just made it clear I wasn't to come home. I lose weight when I'm depressed," Julio tipped Shatterstar's head forward, working along the nape of his neck, "and I was fucking skinny then, too."

"You never told me that."

"I didn't think I needed to, you know, things were going so well, and I wasn't feeling bad for the first time in, _Dios_ , forever." Hair pooled around Shatterstar's hips, so much of it, and Shatterstar tried to trust Julio's scissoring abilities, remaining calm. "I'm all about denial."

"Really? I find that surprising."

Julio laughed, snipping away. "Sarcastic much?"

"Now that I understand it, I have decided to use it freely." Shatterstar smiled, petting Julio's leg before delving lower to dip under the pant cuff, fingers smoothing over sparsely hairy legs. "You know I am only teasing."

"I know."

Shatterstar hummed slightly to himself, eventually upgrading to song. Julio purred appreciatively, so Shatterstar sang some more, loving the vibration of sound in his throat. Tapping his fingers on his jeans in time with the lyrics, he found a beat and sang a collection of tunes, his voice ranging from frighteningly low to shockingly high.

"There."

Shatterstar looked up then pushed to a stand, walking to look at himself in the side mirror. Blinking at the reflection, he fingered the crazy ends, the formally three-foot-long hair now a mere inch in length, even shorter at the sides. "I think I like it, Julio."

"It's damn sexy, and you know it."

"Is it?" Shatterstar asked demurely, leaning back against the car, one leg held out straight, the other bent at the knee. Julio was immediately wrapped around him, patting his belly lovingly. "Do you think we can stay here forever, in this world of our own?"

"I don't want to leave," Julio murmured, popping the top button on Shatterstar's well-worn levis. Shatterstar smiled and returned the favour, tugging Julio's shirt out of his pants. "Let's stay here until something better falls in our laps. It'll take them months to realize we're vagrants."

"All right," Shatterstar agreed, not caring if Julio was serious about it or not, only concerned with the now, with time as it was in that very moment. Leaning down for a kiss, Julio responded eagerly, tangling tongues sliding wonderfully over each other.

This was the world as they knew it.

~~

"Phone," Julio mumbled, lying on his belly in the passenger's seat. With a groan, he opened his eyes to blinding sun and cursed when he saw Shatterstar was gone. Swearing under his breath, Julio followed the ringing into the backseat, wincing at the mess. Finding the cell phone, he pressed the power button. "Hello?"

"Julio? How are doing?"

Domino. Julio relaxed incredibly, not realizing his heart was close to jumping out of his chest until that very second. Sinking into the mountain of blankets, he replied, "I'm okay. Pretty good, actually. No, I'm ... fucking amazing."

Domino laughed. "Good boy. Still looking like shit?"

Julio blinked, aghast at the coarse language then feeling sorta happy inside to realize that Domino was no longer treating him like a student or a soldier, but as a friend, someone to be comfortable around. "Well, Shatterstar's not complaining."

"You boys having safe sex?"

"Stop asking us that!" Julio cried, blushing up a storm, and Domino laughed loudly in his ear, the merry sound echoing in the earpiece. Julio pressed his hand to his face, shaking his head. Why did she always ask them that? "You know we're good to each other."

"I know that. You kids can't take a joke." Domino huffed a happy laugh. "So I have some good news. One, Cable's not searching for you. You're both of legal age, and he knows there's not a damned thing he can do to get you back. Two, I have someone to help you get on your feet. I'm guessing you're on the east coast, somewhere near North Carolina. If you trust me, tell me where exactly you are, and he'll meet you there. He's in the area."

"Who is it?" Julio asked suspiciously, having seen some of Domino's friends and knowing they weren't the most legal and honest group in the world. Domino didn't answer, and Julio sighed. "Fine. I trust you. I'm not exactly sure where we are, but I give you permission to trace this call."

"That's all I need, Julio." A click in Julio's ear signalled the beginning of the search, and Julio sighed deeply, sincerely hoping he hadn't been duped again. "So you're both all right? Even Star? You know how he is. He won't tell you when he's hurting, and he'll go to hell's length to hide the pain. Don't let him, Julio."

"We're trying a new concept," Julio said, "it's called honestly. It's working so far. I think we're going to be okay, maybe even a little better than that. I'm feeling ... really good to be me, you know? I think we're both feeling that way."

"About damn time, the both of you." Another click sounded in Julio's ear. "And I got it, Julio, thanks. Call me when you're settled; I'll send you a housewarming gift, like a kettle or a shag carpet. Sex toys, perhaps, a dildo or two?"

Julio choked, face a burning red and laughing despite himself, knowing Domino was having a blast. "You're shattering my faith in your inherent goodness, I hope you realize that, scarring me for life," and Julio added, "though I wouldn't send them back."

"That's my boy! Take care of yourself, Julio."

Julio blinked and pressed end, shaking his head. The world really was turned upside down. Climbing back into the front seat, Julio grabbed a bag from the glove compartment and set out to find his lover, seeing him at the world's edge.

"Morning, Star," Julio said grandly, sloppily kissing Shatterstar's cheek as he kneeled into the sand. "Domino called. Supposedly, she says, some guy's coming out here to help us, I don't know. You missed my blushing. I think she's sending us dildos."

Shatterstar laughed and shook his head. "She loves to torment you."

"She preys on my pseudo-Catholic virtue," Julio replied, hooking arms with Shatterstar as he sat down. "One year, Star, one beautiful year. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday I blundered your porn order and got you gay videos instead of straight ones."

Shatterstar smirked. "Still pushing that story of accident, are we?"

"I _really_ didn't mean to get that particular movie."

Shatterstar shook his head, snorting. "Julio, no one is that obtuse."

"I am, I swear," Julio vowed, putting as much conviction into his voice as possible, and Shatterstar shook his head again, eternally disbelieving. Grinning, Julio took the opportunity to put the bag into Shatterstar's hand. "Happy Anniversary."

Shatterstar stared down at the package. "How did you manage to escape my attention?"

"You were so finicky about quality scissors that it was a perfect time to sneak away. Open it," Julio said, chewing on his lips as he nodded to the parcel, oddly nervous. "It's a lot of different things that, you know, you obliquely implied you needed."

Shatterstar smiled and opened the bag, peering inside. "Sunglasses!"

"Five days of complaining about the sun gets you those."

Shatterstar threw back his head and laughed merrily before sliding on the glasses, marvelling at the perfect fit. Digging deeper, Shatterstar pulled out a journal, his name etched into the leather cover. "Personalized no less."

"It took me a long time to assure her I wasn't kidding about the name," Julio replied, tucking his hair behind his ears. "Supposedly ‘Shatterstar' isn't common. Go figure."

"And you say I am sarcastic." Shatterstar pulled a box from the bag, the last item. He smoothed his fingers over the velvety cover then popped open the lid, tipping the contents into his palm. A collection of silver rings fell onto his hand, all bizarre and wonderfully artistic.

"You always seem to marvel at guitarists whose hands are laced with rings, so, you know, I got you some. They have meanings or something, I don't know, it's all sentimental shit." Julio tried to feign disinterest but leaned over anyway, pointing at the most intricate of them all. "Except for that one. There's an inscription."

Shatterstar lifted the ring between his fingers, reading. "I live for you."

"Corny, I know, but it's sorta the truth, right? They said I was brain-dead, but I came back to you, for you," Julio whispered, smiling crookedly, eyes tearing up as he pressed his hand to his mouth. "I was going to give up, Shatterstar, but I heard you calling. I remember nothing of any of it, save for you begging me to come back."

"I am only glad you listened," Shatterstar whispered, pulling Julio into a tight hug, and Julio looked up, seeing his lover's face laced with the same grateful, happy tears. Sniffling together, Julio lifted his fingers to wipe wet cheeks clean. "I love you so much, Julio."

"And I love you," Julio whispered, touching his forehead to Shatterstar's, keeping them connected. "I love you completely, Shatterstar. I only wish I could say what is really in my mind. It's too incredible for words."

Shatterstar looked up, cheeks streaked with bittersweet sorrow. "There is a ritual, a moment that we can create together, right now. It was common on my world, a practice among the freed slaves, the Cadre Alliance, that sealed two souls together."

"I'd like that."

"So would I." Shatterstar smiled, dragging a kiss tortuously slow over Julio's brow, hands drowned in Julio's hair, holding his head between curved fingers. "I need to explain it first. It might be more difficult to attempt than you think."

Once finished detailing the events and making sure even the slightest aspect was defined, Julio promised Shatterstar he would follow the ceremony exactly and give his body completely to the experience, not afraid. Shatterstar warned that at times there would be pain, but it would be only slight and it would not last. He didn't mind, Julio realized, after enduring what he had for the passed month, Julio understood pain would never have quite the same meaning.

"Take off your clothes," Shatterstar whispered upon entering the dense thicket of the nearby bushes, finding the centre cleared out, most likely a site for various campfires, a complete hazard though privacy was assured. "Layer by layer, Julio, follow me."

Julio mirrored every action his lover took, the shirt first, dropping behind his waiting body, then the jeans, slid slowly off his hips, then the briefs until they were both kneeling, face to face, in slightly warm sand, slivers of light creating odd patterns on their skin.

"Like this," Shatterstar whispered, moving forward until they were almost touching, and he tucked one knee between Julio's legs, the other bent thigh exposed to the sultry afternoon air. "As close as possible. And this," Shatterstar adjusted himself, blushing slightly, and laid his flaccid penis on Julio's knee, "is sort of silly but part of the rite."

Julio raised his eyebrows, grinning at his lover's obvious struggle avoid arousal, but Julio complied, his fingers still so unused to this part of his body beyond pissing that Julio felt he ought to take a moment or two to formally reintroduce his hand and his dick. "It's not silly. It's ... arousing as shit, but I can control it. No problems."

Shatterstar smiled and leaned back, reaching for one of his swords. Julio frowned inwardly, remembering the mild disagreement moments earlier over why the authentic blades should be used in place of a Swiss army knife, Shatterstar still not completely at terms with his weapons. Shatterstar gave in eventually, much to Julio's relief, who was very close to guilting him into it.

"Wrap your hand around mine."

Julio overlaid Shatterstar's fingers with his own, together grasping the hilt of the sword. As one, the sword was thrust into the ground, sinking deep into the moist dirt. They kept their hands together as Julio smiled at his lover, aware of this settling calm in the centre of his chest.

"Julio, I love you. I loved you from the first moment our eyes met. We have seen the best and the worst of each other, and I love you more for it. With you, I have grown into the man I was meant to become. Without you, there would have only been a warrior whose life would have ended on the edge of a sword. I owe you more than I have in me to give, save for my love. Will you take it?"

Julio nodded numbly, eyes glossy. "I will."

Shatterstar smiled and leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the corner of Julio's mouth. "Your turn."

Julio waited for the words to flow over him, hunting the elusive voice that would explain all that was in his heart. "Shatterstar, I love you. I have always loved you. I love you when you smile, and I love you when you cry. I love you when we fight, and I love you when we laugh. I love you with all that I am, with my complete soul. My future was dark until it was touched by you. I owe you more than I have in me to give, save for my love. Will you take it?"

"I will," Shatterstar whispered, moving his hand from the hilt to the blade, and Julio followed, ignoring the sting of the incredibly sharp metal. Shatterstar squeezed the sword, blinked when the skin was split, and looked to Julio. Julio bit his lip and did the same, the cut coming easily, the pain following soon after in a rush of blood.

Shatterstar removed his palm and held it out, taking Julio's hand when the Mexican lifted his arm, fingers curled inward to catch the crimson liquid. Twining fingers together, Julio let Shatterstar squeeze his hand tightly, closing his eyes as the blood mixed, aware he should be mildly disturbed, knowing he only felt immense peace in his heart.

"One love forever, sealed by the sword."

Julio let go of Shatterstar's hand and lifted up his palm, mesmerized as the wound slowly began to knit itself together, skin lurching and sealing tight against the flow of blood, which eventually waned then stopped completely. The pain faded with the cut, moving into an all enveloping warmth that resembled the first breaths of pleasure.

"It is my blood that holds the healing antibodies," Shatterstar explained with a smile. "This is what my healing factor feels like. And I," Shatterstar held up his still bleeding hand, "finally understand what it feels like to bleed real blood from a wound that will be remembered, if only for a little while."

"Will you be okay?"

"It will heal in a moment or two, do not worry."

Julio nodded, watching the blood drip and realizing it was a sight to which he was never privy, remembering only knitting flesh that halted the flow almost as soon as it began. At least now, Julio thought sadly, he might not need to cut himself to search for pain. Shatterstar knew what it felt like to bleed in those few moments, and Julio realized that was what his lover probably wanted all along, to be allowed to be that painfully human for just a little while.

"Should we go wait for our guest?" Shatterstar asked, reaching for his clothing. Julio nodded reluctantly, wanting more naked time than these few minutes they were granted. And all of last night. And the night before. Julio smirked. He was just being greedy, but it was so enjoyable, how could he not want to touch his lover forever? "All right, a quickie, Julio, but no more."

Julio grinned. Great minds and all that shit.

~~

"Sexy, guitar hands playing sexy, guitar music," Julio murmured, basking in the sun and lying on his back. Shatterstar laughed, leaning over to mess up the dark hair with his fingers. Julio blindly batted him away, eyes closed as he sunbathed. "That was a compliment, babe."

"You were not even looking," Shatterstar replied, lifting a finger to rub his forward, once again testing the length of his copper hair. It was almost exciting, Shatterstar thought, the change from incredibly long to incredibly short, such a shocking transformation. "I think my fingers would be put to better use elsewhere."

"You're telling me," Julio breathed, stretching his arms over his head and wincing only mildly, Shatterstar noticed with relief, which meant, in a very roundabout way, that Julio was indeed getting better, slowly but surely every day. "But we're supposed to be getting a guest."

"I know." Shatterstar sighed and played a couple notes on the guitar, drifting from one melody to the next. It was a very calming moment between them, and Shatterstar felt utterly relaxed, not even nervous in anticipation of what was to come. "I can only imagine the type of person with whom she expects us to ally."

"Probably some monster of a man, with muscles so huge his head looks out of proportion, burdened with a keen interest for weapons and warfare, harbouring a dark secret about some torrid affair decades ago between them, which ended bitterly but the sex was great, due in part to the aforementioned muscles."

"You also enjoy your men large, Julio," Shatterstar teased, laughing when one dark eye opened and stared at him dangerously. Shatterstar bent over, legs shifting beneath him, and kissed the furrowed brow. "You know I am kidding."

"If only it wasn't so true," Julio said, grinning.

Shatterstar laughed, leaning back and looking around. The smile drifted off his face as he noticed the car, a Mercedes with a New York license plate. Jostling Julio to rouse, Shatterstar put down his guitar and watched as the car door opened, feet settling on the gravel.

"Oh, fuck me."

Shatterstar looked at Julio then back to the man, mildly confused as to why _him_ , why Domino sent _him_ to help. Shatterstar couldn't for the life of him think of a single reason why _he_ would willingly want to help them, though Julio seemed to be less than amused with the choice by his comment which implied the answer lay with the young Mexican.

"Julio," the man said calmly, "it's been a while."

"Six years," Julio replied, standing up and walking to shake the man's hand, a gentleman to the end, Shatterstar thought, swallowing his smile. "Shatterstar, this is Warren Worthington, the Angel. Mr. Worthington, this is Shatterstar, or Shatty, or Star, or whatever he'll let you call him."

Shatterstar smiled and pushed to stand, offering his own hand in greeting, and the hand shook firmly back, the blue eyes behind wisps of pale blond hair studying him intently. "Shatterstar is fine, actually. It is nice to meet you."

Worthington nodded and gestured to the grass, following Shatterstar and Julio as they returned to the blanket, sitting next to each other. "I hate to rush things, but I have a dinner meeting to attend. Just to set matters straight, I approached Domino. I told you if I could ever help, I would."

"That was years ago," Julio answered quietly, "and you only did it ..."

"I admit to responsibility for the actions of Cameron Hodge. The Right was formed using my money, and you were kidnapped," Shatterstar noticed how the word ‘tortured' was left completely out of it, "because of a vendetta against me, though he hid it cleverly as a plight against all mutants equally. I want to help."

Julio pressed his lips together, swallowing sadness and not anger, Shatterstar could tell from the way the eyes shifted to the ground, counting the strands of dark green grass. "You don't owe me anything. We don't need charity."

"Yes, you do, unless you're content with spending the rest of your life like _this_." Worthington lifted his eyes to look at Shatterstar, and Shatterstar nodded slightly, ignoring Julio's wounded pride. They did need help, that much was painfully obvious, and if it was so graciously offered, it could not be turned down. "So it's your choice. What do you want to do?"

"Nothing," Julio muttered, hands pressed to his face.

"I want him to go to school," Shatterstar said quietly, ignoring Julio's gasp of betrayal, "and I do not care what happens to me, but if it somehow possible to make me a _completely_ legal citizen of earth, I would appreciate it."

"You're both going to need infallible proof of citizenship, proof of a GED." Worthington took a palm pilot out of his breast pocket, taking notes. "If this is something you both want, I donate to several schools and convincing them to take two very intelligent, resourceful students shouldn't be a problem. I'll cover the costs. You just need to get yourselves educated."

"Is that all right with you, Julio?" Shatterstar whispered, touching his lover on the back, rubbing the shaking body and leaning over to kiss his shoulder. Julio nodded into his hands, though he said nothing, obviously fighting with emotion. "We would like that, yes."

"All right. I have your cell number, and here's mine," Worthington gave Shatterstar a business card, "that I want you to call next week. The only thing I ask in return is that you work for me during the summer, that's it. Work experience is invaluable."

"Thank you," Shatterstar said, watching at the mutant stood and put his handheld computer back into his jacket. Leaving Julio in a hunched over position on the blankets, Shatterstar shook hands with him again, smiling gratefully. "Julio thanks you, too."

"I know. I'll be in touch."

Shatterstar watched as the blond man walked to his car, started the quiet engine and sped off down the road, leaving a trail of dust in his path. Shatterstar returned to Julio, crouching next to his lover then pulling him into a hug, cradling the sobbing body. "It is all right, Julio, everything is fine now."

Curling his slender body around Shatterstar's torso, Julio cried harder, clutching the Mojoworlder tightly, desperately, fingers curled into his lower back. Shatterstar watched the clouds race against the clear blue sky, for the first time in his life feeling hope in its purest form dawn in his heart, settling deep in his soul and creating a beautiful vision of the future.

This was it; this was the beginning.

The future started here.

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note (November 2017):
> 
> I did go through and make minor changes to the overall story, but the plot is entirely unchanged and remains very much a product of when I wrote it (late 90s, in my late teens -- so, very far away from where I am now). The only significant change I made is to the name Shatterstar calls himself.


End file.
